In honor of Valentine’s Day, my husband Mark joins this episode of About Your Mother for an honest conversation about messy and imperfect love. We’re sharing one of the most profound lessons about love we learned on a trip to France this summer, when a lovely Brazilian couple shared the secret to lasting love with us.
I’ll be honest: our marriage hasn’t always been easy – what union is? If you’ve been part of a blended family, your parents divorced, your mother was a tad crazy, or you’ve experienced sudden loss, this episode is for you.
‘My Mom Wins the Crazy Award’
I believe our husbands’ mothers shape who they choose to marry, their relationships with women, and how they show up in those relationships. When I first met my husband at work, before we were a couple, he would say that his mom wins the crazy award.
Mark’s mom, Kathleen, grew up in an Irish Catholic family in Portland, Oregon, in the 1940s/50s, when the choices for women in her family were to become a homemaker or a nun. Kathleen was not meant to be a nun; she had a big, strong personality and loved entertaining people with raunchy jokes.
Kathleen went the homemaker route and married Mark’s dad. They experienced a full-term miscarriage before having Mark and his older brother. This time in their life is heavily photographed, and it’s evident that Kathleen was giving her role as a homemaker her best shot.
For a few years, she cooked, cleaned, and made a home for her family until she could no longer do it. Something had changed for her. When Mark was around four years old, his mom moved from Oakland, California, to San Francisco, and Mark and his brother stayed with their dad. They grew up in Oakland under their dad’s full custody and visited their mom in San Francisco at random times.
From Mark’s young perspective, this unconventional childhood was completely normal. He got to stay in his childhood home, go to school, see his friends, and occasionally hop on a train to visit his mom in the big city. It wasn’t until he became a father at 32 that it began to sink in that his family life was unique.
Mark’s Unwavering Optimism
Mark moves through life, his career, and his family life with joy. Growing up with his parents and their unusual circumstances taught him to pick and choose which conflicts to address. Every year, on holidays and birthdays, his parents would reunite and celebrate as a family, regardless of whether they were dating other people.
The way they maintained a sense of unity despite their tensions greatly influenced Mark’s outlook on life. Mark loves to maintain his joy and find the fun in life, regardless of the situation.
‘How Did My Mom Leave?’
After his first son, Conor, was born, Mark began to wonder how his mom could have left him and his brother all those years ago. Up until then, he had a good relationship with Kathleen, but becoming a parent changed things.
Mark and his mom had a conflict that led them not to talk for a year, but eventually they made up. However, Kathleen never acknowledged her role in the conflict, so Mark learned how to maintain a relationship with her for the sake of the family while keeping an emotional distance.
For the next 20 years, their relationship felt like a tug-of-war. Kathleen sensed the emotional distance that Mark was putting between them, and she would guilt-trip Mark about not coming around enough. At the time, Mark had three kids, a demanding career, and a new relationship (with me) to balance, so he felt like he was giving his mom as much as he could.
The Moment of Reckoning
Towards the end of her life, Kathleen and Mark finally had a conversation to clear the air. He told her about everything he had going on in his life, including his career and time with his kids, and she said that she was happy for him. Yet, he sensed she wasn’t telling the truth.
Mark confronted Kathleen, and she finally admitted she wasn’t happy for him and his thriving life because it felt like there was no room for her anymore.
In response, Mark finally admitted how he felt about her leaving all those years ago. He told Kathleen she didn’t get to be upset about him trying to build a career and be a good parent, because she hadn’t done the same for him.
The conversation was difficult, but it provided clarity for their relationship. It allowed them to finally be honest with each other.
Kathleen’s End of Life and Mark’s Gesture of Love
Kathleen passed away three years ago, and the fact that she left her family weighed heavily on her for the rest of her life. Mark tried to tell her it was okay and reassure her that he’d had a wonderful childhood, but it didn’t help. In fact, Kathleen told him that it was worse that he expressed he had a good childhood because it meant that he had been fine when she left.
Four months before she passed, Kathleen had a stroke. She was in and out of hospitals and care facilities during this time, and Mark spent as much time as he could with her. Every night after work, he would sit with her for three or four hours, talking or reading to her. It was a hard but redemptive time in their relationship.
Mark chose to stay in a relationship with his mom. It wasn’t easy, but he’s happy that he did, and that they got the closure they needed before she passed.
Independence vs Emotional Maturity
After his mom left, Mark and his brother essentially raised themselves. They learned how to do their own laundry and were the epitome of “latchkey kids.” Adults were always telling him how mature he was for his age, so eventually he believed it.
However, once he became an adult, Mark realized the difference between independence and maturity. He was independent, but he lacked emotional maturity.
In Mark’s first marriage, he married someone with whom the dynamic of the partnership felt like his relationship with his mom. He vowed that he would never get divorced, but he ended up divorced with two children, just like his parents. The experience taught Mark a great deal about himself, and he eventually gained the emotional maturity he lacked.
Pedro and Beth’s Formula For a Successful Relationship
Our marriage hasn’t always been easy, but we continue to choose each other and strive to grow together rather than apart. Recently, we learned a life-changing lesson about long-term relationships from a Brazilian couple we met in France, Pedro and Bette.
Despite being older than us, they acted like teenagers together. Everyone on the trip thought they were a new couple who got together later in life, but they revealed that they’d been together for 35 years.
Pedro and Beth shared the secret to successful relationships that we’ll never forget. They said that they have three different relationships: Amigo, Amante, Amor.
In Portuguese, Amigo means friend, Amor means love, and Amante means lover. Pedro said you have to invest in each of these three relationships: your friendship, your deep love, and your lover. They will each have their own peaks and valleys, but you have to maintain them as if they’re three different relationship dynamics.
Navigating a Blended Family
There are pros and cons to being part of a blended family, and much of the struggle happens behind closed doors. Mark credits me with making him a better parent, which is a beautiful aspect of our life together. However, we also had to deal with conflicting values, invisible roles, and difficult dynamics.
As Mark says, the easier thing for him to do would’ve been to become a “weekend dad” who only sees his kids two weekends per month, but he couldn’t do it. He had 50-50 custody with his ex-wife, and he did his best to be a present parent while building a demanding career in technology.
For me, it was hard to figure out my place in the parenting structure, even though it shaped my life every day. It’s easy for step-moms to feel invisible because they are often silenced as the well-being of the children takes priority. As I say in my book, “Becoming a stepparent doesn’t mean you are stepping into a parenting role; you are marrying someone’s divorce.”
Working With an Executive Coach
The thing that I admired about Mark when we first met was his grit. Even though he was a broke single dad with two kids, I knew he’d be fine because of his work ethic.
Growing up, Mark experienced financial stress in his family and didn’t want that for himself. He didn’t care about buying fancy things, but he wanted the freedom to make choices without being restrained by financial stress.
While building his career, Mark began working with an executive coach, Jonathan. He now attributes much of his success to working with Jonathan, especially in learning to manage his emotions in his career.
Mark’s Greatest Achievement
Mark believes his family and friendships are his greatest achievements. For his kids, he simply wants them to be happy and live out their potential with passion and purpose.
