At just 14 years old, Amy was sexually abused by a family member. When she told her mother what happened, her response left Amy feeling unsupported and unprotected. The trauma and her mother’s reaction made her feel unsafe in her own home and questioned whether her mother really loved her.
My guest on this episode of About Your Mother is Amy Scott Rooker, author of My Mother is a Dragonfly. Listen in as she vulnerably shares her complicated family story, her healing journey, and her experience with plant medicine.
Grieving the Loss of a Complicated Person
Amy’s mother passed away four years ago. She had never lost anyone close to her before, so Amy struggled to process her grief. What made it harder was that her mom was a complicated person, and their relationship wasn’t easy.
When someone dies, people tend to remember and highlight all the good things about them. After Amy’s mom passed, she felt like she could only speak positively about her or she would betray her legacy. However, not being truthful about their complicated history felt like betraying herself.
Amy didn’t know how to respond when people offered their condolences and said good things about her mom. Her therapist eventually gave her a helpful phrase: “My relationship was complicated, and so her death is too.”
That phrase allowed Amy to be honest about her grief without going into too many details. Others found it relatable and refreshing to hear someone be upfront about their grief rather than look at it with rose-colored glasses.
This experience led to Amy’s book, My Mother is a Dragonfly. She realized we’re so conditioned to hide our real feelings instead of practicing vulnerability. But vulnerability is where Amy found healing.
Healing Your Relationship After Death
As a young girl, Amy didn’t have the tools or permission to seek healing from her sexual trauma. She coped by becoming a perfectionist and performing for others to gain their love. She also numbed her pain with alcohol and had a severe eating disorder.
It wasn’t until her mother’s death that she began to unpack her trauma and find real healing. She realized she had to mother herself and reclaim the younger versions of herself that she abandoned to survive.
As part of her healing journey, Amy dove into spirituality. Eventually, she started seeing signs from her mom that she couldn’t deny. Her mom would often appear as a dragonfly, which surprised Amy because they didn’t have a strong relationship when her mom was alive.
Amy believes the dragonflies appeared for two reasons. First, as an apology from her mom about her sexual abuse, and second, to lead Amy to something deeper. Around this time, Amy was learning about psychedelics, and she believed her mom was sending dragonflies to guide her in that direction.
Amy had always taken life and the world at face value, and she was realizing that there was more to existence. Her intuition was coming online.
After studying psychedelics with Dr. Gabor Maté, Amy decided to use psilocybin. During her trip, she experienced her mom coming to her and apologizing for the sexual abuse and how she responded to it. This time, she said the right things, and Amy felt her apology and love in her body.
During that first trip, Amy also relived her traumatic experience. However, this time, she felt a calming presence beside her, telling her she hadn’t done anything wrong. She was able to completely let go of her trauma and finally practice self-compassion.
Life After a Transformational Psilocybin Trip
After her trip, Amy wanted to understand her experience intellectually. She read every spiritual text she could find and started studying quantum physics.
Amy also began a journey to discover her true self, not the version she performed to please others. She realized she defined herself by her accomplishments and status, which no longer felt authentic. She quit her job and pursued her passion for writing. Writing her book was another major part of her healing process, and it helped her find empathy and forgiveness for her mom.
It’s Not Too Late to Heal From Your Trauma
If you’re curious about plant medicine, Amy encourages everyone to do their research and make sure it feels right for you. She doesn’t believe that it’s for everybody, and it’s important to use it safely under expert supervision.
Whether or not you want to dive into plant medicine or spirituality, you can learn to accept yourself and heal from your trauma. Amy believes that it’s never too late to embrace your younger selves. Trust that if you’re on a healing journey, you’re right where you need to be.
A great way to begin your healing journey is to learn to be present in the moment, rather than stuck in the past or worrying about the future. All we have is right now. What can you be grateful for to help you enjoy this moment? As Amy says, if you’re not happy in the present moment, you won’t be happy in the future either.
Healing Isn’t About Fixing What’s Broken
Throughout Amy’s healing journey, she’s been able to find forgiveness for the family member who abused her. She created a prayer for him that she repeated daily for a time, and she noticed her feelings toward him change. When he came up in conversation, her body no longer clenched.
Amy learned that healing wasn’t about fixing what was broken, but about finding what’s true. The truth is that her abuser was in pain and passed that pain onto her. That understanding has changed her entire perspective and offered her even more freedom from her pain.
In Amy’s opinion, healing is learning that you’ve always been whole and loved.
