How do you know when you can repair a relationship versus when it’s time to walk away? My guest on this episode of About Your Mother, Kate King, shares the difference between a difficult relationship and a toxic one, and how to know what you should do next.
Kate is a licensed professional counselor and board-certified art therapist. Her latest book, Mend or Move On, dives into the details of dealing with difficult relationships of all types.
Listen in as she shares her own experience as a “wounded healer,” the seven relationship traps, and why it’s important to maintain relationship tiers.
What Does “Mend or Move On” Mean in Parental Relationships?
Kate’s most recent book explores the nuance of staying in a relationship with difficult people or walking away.
The choice to either mend or move on is especially difficult in parent-child relationships. No matter which choice you make, there are rippling consequences. Children, even as adults, are hardwired to stay in a relationship with their parents. Moving on from that relationship feels like going against nature.
However, some parent-child relationships are so abusive and toxic that moving on is the best way to protect yourself.
Toxic Relationships vs Uncomfortable Relationships
Not all difficult relationships warrant moving on. Some relationships are misaligned, rather than toxic. Misaligned relationships can still end, but it isn’t the same experience as walking away from a toxic one.
The main difference between a difficult relationship and a toxic one is the stakes. Difficult relationships are typically platonic, while toxic ones are romantic or familial.
There are three criteria that make a relationship toxic:
- The harm being done to you is consistent and persistent, not just a one-off occurrence
- The person truly hurts you (rather than annoying you), and every time you leave them, you feel like a collapsed version of yourself
- You feel the toxicity in your body, such as a knot in your gut, tension in your throat, or a headache every time you see this person
While these three criteria seem easy enough to identify, it usually takes decades to recognize that a relationship is toxic.
Moving On From a Relationship Doesn’t Always Happen at Once
When you hear the term “cutting off,” you probably think of one event that ends a relationship. In reality, most relationships gradually fizzle out. In a parent-child relationship, the parent always bears the burden of maintaining it. No matter how old the child is, the parent is always the “bigger” person in the situation. They have to check in when the relationship becomes distant.
In some cases, cutting off can happen all at once. The person who moves on usually feels a thread snap, or a final straw that breaks the camel’s back. In these cases, you can try to have a final conversation to end the relationship, or you can simply ghost them.
While “ghosting” someone is typically recommended, it’s sometimes necessary in toxic relationships. If you know that a final conversation will only keep the cycle going rather than creating closure, it’s best to simply stop communicating.
If you’re currently dealing with moving on from a toxic relationship, it’s important to work with a therapist to process your experience.
The Difficulty of Maintaining Adult Friendships
Moving on from a relationship doesn’t only apply to families. In some situations, you’ll need to move on from a platonic friendship. This is still an extremely painful, especially if you’ve been friends with that person for a long time.
Before moving on from a friendship, it’s important to bring up your concerns and have hard conversations. In many cases, these conversations lead to understanding and help you mend the friendship. You may need to reset your expectations or adjust your dynamic, but you can still remain in the relationship.
Try starting the conversation like this: “I have something really scary and vulnerable to share with you, and I don’t know how it’s gonna land. I’m a little bit nervous about how you’re gonna hold space for this. Are you willing to hear it?”
From there, you’ll know if your friend is willing to go into the deep end with you and work through the issues in the relationship.
The 7 Relationship Traps People Fall Into
There are seven common relationship traps that people fall into, and the one you fall into the most will depend on your personal baggage. For example, people with people-pleasing tendencies will fall into a different trap than people with an avoidant attachment style.
The 7 Relationship Traps:
- Buy-in: You go along with the story you’re being told without questioning it
- Comfort: You’re so comfortable in the dynamic that you don’t want to change it, even though deep down you know you should
- Powerlessness: You feel small and helpless
- False Ownership: You take all the responsibility for the relational issues
- Unhealed trauma: You’re looking through the filter of your unhealed wounds
- Avoidance: You don’t want to deal with the issue, so you shove it under the rug
- Codependency: You aren’t sure where you end, and the other person begins
It’s normal to experience multiple traps throughout your life or in the same relationships.
Moving On From Your Family vs a Marriage
Is it harder to move on from your family or your marriage? The answer for you depends on which relationship your world orbits around. If your family is a bigger part of your identity than your partner, it’s harder to disconnect from them.
Your answer also depends on how interconnected your life is with this person. For example, do you rely on your mother for childcare help? Moving on will involve untangling your life from this person.
Maintaining Relationship Tiers
Remember that no single person should be your “everything.” People who have been married for decades often attest to the benefit of having other close relationships outside of their partner. When one person becomes your universe, you don’t have the bandwidth to pour into other relationships.
Research shows most people have around 150 people in their lives, but those relationships fall into tiers. Your first tier, the people closest to you, is likely only made up of three to five people.
Keeping your close network healthy is an ongoing process. It’s normal for relationships to move through different tiers. Someone who was once in your level two may move to your level four. If you want to create a visual for yourself, draw four concentric circles in the style of a dartboard, and write the names of people in pencil in each tier.
When you’re choosing people to be in your first or second tier, consider these factors:
- Do you share similar values?
- Does the relationship feel aligned?
- Do you want away from time with them feeling nourished or depleted?
Words to Avoid When Attempting to Repair a Relationship
Certain words or phrases should be avoided when you’re trying to repair a relationship because they can trigger hurt.
Avoid these words:
- Triggered
- Unconditional love
- But
- Happy
- Bored
- Feared
- Emotional immaturity
These words will fuel the fire rather than help. For example, instead of telling someone, “I love you, but you’re really hurting my feelings,” say, “I love you, AND you’re really hurting my feelings.”
Treat Loved Ones With Compassion Rather Than Empathy or Sympathy
Compassion, empathy, and sympathy are terms often used interchangeably, but they’re not the same things. Here’s the distinction:
- Empathy: you feel the other person’s feelings as if they’re happening to you
- Compassion: you feel empathetic while maintaining boundaries between their experience and yours
- Sympathy: you feel bad for them, but you don’t feel their feelings
When you’re feeling empathy for someone, you’re both drowning in the emotion, and you can’t help them get to a lifeboat. Plus, extending too much empathy leads to burnout and resentment.
Compassion lets you create distance between their emotions and yours so you can help them while protecting yourself.
Sympathy is only skin deep, which isn’t always a bad thing, but in a deep relationship, relying only on sympathy can become frustrating for the other person. Try to put yourself in their shoes and extend compassion.
Resources Mentioned
The Gottman Approach to Couples Therapy
Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown
Connect With the Guest
Book: Mend or Move On by Kate King
Website: https://theradiantlifeproject.com/
